Compulsive Overeating

This is the sweetest rendition of overweight I could find on Google images. It is from a Light Fit Yogurt ad campaign. Attributions aside, I just realized how far my journey back into compulsive overeating and depression has taken me. I'm in the mood to chronicle...

One year ago found me celebrating my husband's birthday at a fancy boutique hotel, dolled up to "the nines" at The Nines in Portland, Oregon. I was poured into a form-fitting dress, red cashmere coat, and heels. I'll admit that I felt sexy and glamorous and a bit smug about my accomplishment of dropping 40 lbs and 4 dress sizes over the previous year. I would catch myself wondering why everyone doesn't face their demons and get into some program that will allow them to become all they can be.

Oopsie! My downward spiral started right about that time. I began allowing myself to have little "treats". When the barista at Starbuck's gave my husband a gratis cupcake for his birthday and he offered that little bit of chocolate frosting to me, I savored it. Then we walked along the streets of downtown Portland and ended up at a sports bar and restaurant specializing in hot wings. My focus has been in avoiding alcohol for many years now and this was not an issue however something more insidious than my alcohol addiction was growing and taking shape...my addiction to sugar and compulsive overeating.

A yarn tour in May with my mother and sister found us on the doorstep of "Trophy Cupcakes" where I allowed myself more compulsive indulgence. "But, I look good. I'll just have one." You know those cupcakes became quite a focal for my obsessive mind despite being located so far from my home.

Fast forward to September and the loss of my part-time job. I realize that I've put some of my weight back on but I rationalize that I'm just not ready yet to "get back on the horse". I continue to obsess and indulge my compulsive urges to overeat. I rationalize that I will have enough to work on just looking for work. I'll just keep staying sober. THAT is the important thing. Yeah...

Yesterday, I managed a morning at the gym. After hitting the scale, I hit the treadmill and trod 2 miles at a incline of 2, burning 252 calories in about 45 minutes. To me this was a major miracle. I've been fighting the nasty little voices in my head that tell me I am too fat and that "they"are going to talk about me and laugh, "They" are going to realize what a worthless loser I really am. I pushed through, suited-up, and showed up.

Then I decided I could afford to treat myself to a tall Skinny Decaf Cinnamon Dolce Latte' from Starbuck's. After all they're only 90 calories say the slick ads as you walk in the door. Yes, I can do this. Get back on the horse and lose those pounds and perhaps regain my confidence and want to take part in life again. Grocery shopping finds me drawn to the Easter candy displays but I move past despite twinges to indulge. I am strong...My husband calls and says to bring home steaks to barbecue. Sure, I say and head to another grocery store. On the way to the check-out counter, I am ambling...bargain shopping...then I see it. Valentine's bargains; first it's bright red pots then it's boxed candies (for mom in the nursing home) and then it's a rather large chocolate candy heart sucker.

Who's the sucker? I saved $2 buying this confection now rather than before Valentine's Day but I devoured it out in the car. All of it, every little piece ignoring the fact that I'm undoing my morning work-out. (Sigh)

Terry Lodge at WorkSource says that one needs to try on their interview clothes BEFORE they are actually needed. The rationale is that during periods of unemployment, we tend to put on weight. "Oh yes", I think, "I've already done that." (This was back in December and I was disappointed at my findings but relieved that I did still have a few suitable options.) Incredulously, I was even a bit smug about the fact that I could get into my best "fat" stuff with relative ease.

This morning it has all changed. I have very few suitable options as I have outgrown my cocoa Calvin Klein pant suit, my navy Calvin Klein skirt suit, my cream-colored Tahari pant suit (all size 14), and my beloved black Staples gaucho-style slacks (a generous size 10) from Rottles. I am really bummed about this development. If it's not bad enough that I detest looking and interviewing for work, now I've made it so I can be uncomfortable with myself while I do so.