IntrinsicTina

This is the most difficult blogpost I believe I'll ever write because it will "out" me like never before. This is a public blog; I have no illusions of secrecy or privacy. Only under the perceived protection of confidentiality, granted by various 12-step program sponsors, did I detail, share, face, and overcome the shame of my past. I was molested, repeatedly, by a male babysitter at 5 years old. I realize that I was not at fault for this, and I have gone on to use my tragedy to connect with and help to heal others. I engaged in risky behaviors from the age of 15 to 19, in the forms of underage drinking, promiscuity, marijuana, barbituates, cocaine, and LSD.  I was raped by a student doctor the night I ran away from home, at 15-years old.  I was raped by a sailor at an underage drinking party.  I cheated on my first husband, imploding my first marriage, affecting my daughter, husband, and myself, as well as our respective families, adversely. I believed, and entered

   My daughter is the pride of my life. She amazes me continually. She is strong, so much stronger than myself, at the same age. I've seen her do a yoga move that has her balancing on one hand, while she looks as if she's sitting cross-legged, suspended in midair. She is lithe. She does yoga poses on the paddleboard. One foot planted on the board, the other drawn up gracefully behind her, and held aloft, while the other hand poised high. All while balancing in the bay. She is mentally strong. I saw her end a 6-year long love relationship that she decided wasn't working for her anymore. Then go on to maintain a cordial relationship in the aftermath. Who does that?! It's so...Healthy...no character assassination, no hateful backward glances. Nothing but a status change on Facebook. She went out rented a new apartment, ordered up new furnishings online, arranged for friends to help her move out, then pulled the trigger on the deal. Then she went about the business of r

Telling people what I need. It's the bane of my existence. I have ALS, amyotrophic lateral  sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease. As such, ALS has no treatment nor a cure. It has myriad symptoms that lead ultimately to death: mucus gone wild, muscle spasms, emotions hijacked, paralysis, swallow insufficiency, and voicelessness, to name a few. I'm going to pick at voicelessness, actually unintelligible speech. Yeah, I  make noise, but few can discern what I'm saying. Unfortunately, I have a high number of caregivers unfamiliar with intricacies of my care. As such, they all think they are capable of attending to my care needs but, sadly, they are not. Take turning me in bed, as in the numerous diaper changes I require in a day. Due to muscle atrophy, or death, surrounding my lungs and chest, I use my belly and diaphragm to breathe. This requires my caregivers to handle me by my shoulder and hip, and not to lean me against their body. They don't naturally do this whi

Some days I feel like I'm nothing more than a snot-mouthed, shit-bottom monster.

First atropine, now glycopyrrolate. New medication is affecting my eyesight Preventing me from using my tobii. More recently, I vomited a volume of gluey mucus. My caregivers, default to rolling me onto my back, placing me in the vulnerable position of aspirating whatever flows up my throat. This time it was vomitus.

Fun Fact: This is the first time, in two weeks, I've been able to feel the backside of my front teeth, due to mucus encasement. It is also the first time, in two weeks, I haven't felt like I was sucking on a snot popsicle. I'm unsure why I had an increase in mucus secretions, but it was pouring out. It was all I could do to keep up. My poor caregivers were put to work scrubbing dried-on mucus from the back and front of my teeth. The effectiveness of brushing my teeth was questionable. Thus, when they freed from their prison, we got right on teeth brushing. Oh, it's the simple things! I wonder, dear reader, if you are repulsed by the more glamorous realities of ALS?