My Confession

I verbally attacked my room mate early this morning. I had a rare night of insomnia and spent time blogging and watching television in my room. I thought about my room mate and adjusted the volume down to what I thought was a low level. Indeed, I had no complaints neither from the aide nor the nurse on duty who visited me on 3 separate occasions during the night and into the morning. This nurse would have no problem turning my volume down if she thought I was bothering anyone. My room mate did not complain nor stir from 11:30 pm until 3:30 am when I used my call button to get my brief changed. When the aides arrived to help me with that change, my room mate piped up saying that she didn't sleep all night with my TV so loud. I know darn good and well that this is her tactic to get her own way. It's unnecessary. And it gets my back up. Therefore before I thought about it I began to argue that she had slept and offered no complaint but forming words and being understood is an ever increasing and exhausting challenge. I have to be succint in my requests and explanations and frequently run out of air despite my best effort to conserve energy. Now, my room mate has developed the bad habit of "hijacking" the aide's attention when she should be paying attention to what she is doing with me. She will tell the aide a whole litany of her wants and needs and, at times, inane conversation when the focus should be on me. Indeed, when the room mate is talking the aides cannot hear nor understand me. And this what she did this morning. I'm finally being changed after 50 minutes of waiting in excrement-filled briefs. My room mate has no patience and begins talking to the aides as soon as they enter, chattering to each other, in the room. Anyway, I am being changed when my room mate interupts for the second time, saying that she has to go to the bathroom and that she is "going to pee all over herself". I tell her to "shut up! ", as I'm having a hard enough time trying to convey that there is something sharp digging into my right hip that needs attention. I'm arguing with the two aides that it's a big deal to someone who can't move themselves off of the pain. They say it's "just the pad" saying I have to keep the pad to which I object. In frustration, and with my adrenaline rising, I project, shut up, you always interupt, and I call her a bitch. (yeah, I know, unacceptable. No matter the supposed provocation. But I said it and I confess it.) One aide calls me out on the name-calling, as she should and gets the nurse on duty to lend assistance. All help stops on me while my room mate is assisted to the bathroom past my bed and without pulling the curtain to maintain my right to privacy. I'm angry that one more time my room mate managed to hijack my care because she has the ability to complain loudly and be understood. When they get back to me, one of the aides finally understands me and locates the source of the pain, a discarded brief adhesive tab. Sounds benign, but that thick tab does not have beveled edges and the corners are sharp and pokey on bare skin! Back to the other issue at hand, my verbal attack on my room mate. I was sorry about 15 minutes later, after I had the chance to calm down AFTER my urgent needs had been met. Of course, my room mate was asleep and my voice was spent post-adrenalin rush. My apology and subsequent amends would have to wait until she was awake of her own accord. I did so without hesitation and without expectation of acceptance or reciprocation.