I made the serious decision to make a break from a certain organization and a from an individual I was working with closely. These were both difficult decisions to make but I've been in turmoil for about a year about both. I went through some serious depression during the past winter and spring and doubted my ability to make a healthy, rational decision. Since I've been out of my depression, I feel the scales have been removed from my eyes and clearly see both commitments as unhealthy.
This group within the organization has continually lacked in retaining members who honor or even volunteer for service commitments. I held a treasurer position for 4 years (normally a 2-year commitment). At one time I held three simultaneous positions as secretary, service representative and literature person. This should have been a signal to me. Instead I chose to see it as "they needed me."
The secretary position has been held by a member whom I judge to be non-compliant. He has gradually become unable to hold his eyes open, nor maintain focus, nor take direction, nor even to keep his stories straight. And about this individual desiring a close working relationship...First, she wanted to meet regularly (in the evening despite all of our free time during the day.) Then she wanted to meet Wednesday but they didn't work then we switched to Mondays. She kept trying to talk me into changing back to Wednesdays but I held to the commitment I mean it's not like she works or has any other pressing obligations. Cancellations were numerous, sometimes at the last minute. We started off with an actual purpose but then she'd try to control "how" I was to help her. We took hours to complete what would've been a one hour job because she showed up with her notebook and had left the work unfinished with the expectation that I would help her finish it. We'd meet then she'd be "too tired" to work. (wasting my time) Finally, it became apparent that I was being used when I could see that she was getting more agitated, depressed, and controlling with her family, and finally bragged about being ready to come to blows with a complete stranger in a grocery store. It became a real struggle for me.
I approached her twice before dropping the relationship and she broke down, claiming that she wasn't trying to control the situation, apologizing, and citing that God told her that I was supposed to be her special friend. Frankly, I'm not sure who her God is but since he spoke to her using foul language, I don't think we had the same God with the same ground rules, values, and expectations. She was also freaked that I'd spill secrets she shared with me and played that fear card with me as a protest. I guess I fell for that manipulation. "I can't drop her, she'll be uncomfortable with what I know."
Bottom line on the culmination of these two uncomfortable situations...I kept denying that things were as I was seeing them early on. I doubted my perception, stuffed my feelings, and did what I thought people wanted me to do. My fault. My arrogance. My denial. My lesson.
Comments
Post a Comment