Occasionally, we are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we must not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.
-- TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, page 105
Gee, I could have saved myself years of self-reproach by taking it easy on myself. "Try" as I might, I never could make prayer, in the traditional sense, a daily occurrence for stretches longer than a month. I had good intentions but inevitably, I'd be running late and forget. Or worse, I'd get a big, fat bout of attitude about not getting my wishes (the permanent position at the Gates Foundation, being fired from my last job when my health deteriorated, the cancellation of my Panama Canal cruise, and the various abandonments I experienced following my ALS diagnosis) and off I'd go, cursing my Higher Power, turning my back, isolating, and wishing I were dead (actually, I wanted my psychic pain to cease).
Prayer was the last thing I wanted to do, lest HP think He'd won! Yet, my curses hurled at my Creator ended up being a prayer of sorts. When I got past my petulance, I'd metaphorically crawl back, praying for foregiveness, mentally whipping myself for my lack of emotional maturity and balance.
I'm grateful that my Higher Power waited me out and that I was allowed the dignity to come to believe once more, and not have to go back to the prison that alcohol locked me in.
Tina F.
Maple Valley, Washington
(19 years sober)
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