IntrinsicTina

Occasionally, we are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we must not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us. -- TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, page 105  Gee, I could have saved myself years of self-reproach by taking it easy on myself. "Try" as I might, I never could make prayer, in the traditional sense, a daily occurrence for stretches longer than a month. I had good intentions but inevitably, I'd be running late and forget. Or worse, I'd get a big, fat bout of attitude about not getting my wishes (the permanent position at the Gates Foundation, being fired from my last job when my health deteriorated, the cancellation of my Panama Canal cruise, and the various abandonments I experienced following my ALS diagnosis) and off I'd go, cursing my Higher Power, turning my back, isolating, and wishing I were dead (actually, I wa...

This weekend my husband gave me a wonderful gift..Himself. He has plans for himself for Father's Day weekend in St.  John,  Washington USA watching the Sprint boat races. These races take place in sloughs carved out of a farmer's field and are filled up with water. Sounds boring but it is not. I can assure you. These sloughs cross each other and create hairpin turns for the small boats powered by large, fast motors. They race time and have been known to run up on the banks, flip over, and even crash. Anyway, because I won't see him over the weekend, he spent this weekend doing things with me. Not a normal occurance but quite an equitable trade. I don't begrudge my husband a life away from me as long as I get to enjoy some life as well. I've never been a home body unless you count me as a homes body. We traveled between our homes but we spent a lot of time traveling and collecting experiences. I have always been a doer since I've been an adult. I cannot stand t...

"If I don't tell my truth then the world has naught but lies to believe about me. "     ---Tina Flink I have another FaceBook stalker. Surprise surprise, it's my biological sister's best friend doing the same thing she did last year.  Verbally bash me on my FaceBook wall. She has taken over where my abusive sister left off. I had to remove myself from my sister's life for the same behavior earlier this year when I was in the medical ICU and a mere two days after dodging the final bullet. There is no excuse for that kind of no class behavior to another human being. In the interest seeing where I may have first harmed her, bringing this hatred upon myself, I have sat down in quiet contemplation, asking God to direct my thinking. The following is what I came up with: The following is what I came up with:   She's never been my cup of tea but I always granted her the right to be her tacky self. After all, we are all different and she was a great match for m...

My name is Tina and I'm an alcoholic in recovery.  I am humbled by being able to claim 18 years and eight months of contiguous sobriety. I need to tell you that I'm terminally ill living in a hospice care facility. And I am happy, joyous, and free. I am one of the lucky few to be blessed with ALS (also known as "Lou Gehrig's Disease") or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a progressive, degenerative neuro-muscular disease that has no treatment and no cure. That is correct, no treatment and no cure. Zip, zero, and nada. Go home and get your affairs in order and we don't know how long you have. How did I handle this solemn proclamation? About like you'd expect a veteran AA member with 16+ years of  "Letting go and letting God". Yep, I fell apart. .How am I going to tell my loved ones? When and what will I tell? What will my husband do without me? What about my daughter? Cat? Chickens? Our homes aren't complete. What about work? Will I qualify f...

Writer's block. So much to say but how do I say it? Melancholia. I was ready to go on time. Up and at 'em at 0745. Shower accomplished. Appropriate wear for a choir concert held in Shoreline. I shouldn't care but I do. Snapped out of my funk when I chose to attend a music group. Rousing renditions of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Isreal "Iz" Kamiole and Cassidy and our own, Nadine set the tone. We "sang", Nadine carries the song, Jola soloed, I'm the human metronome until I tire, Trish puts in a good word, and the volunteers join in. So, we sang "Stand By Me", "Lean On Me", "Under The Boardwalk", and "Sunshine On My Shoulders". And Nadine improvised a personalized summertime blues, including all of us. One cannot help having their spirits bouyed to a better place. One good decision leads to another. Next, I was blessed with Elizabeth, a sweet volunteer, who read "Awakening the Buddha Within...

True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and each A.A. Meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity, if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.  -- TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 33 In my case, first came humiliation. I was in agony over concious and unconcious choices I'd been making as a result of my drinking. Regrettably, on occasion, I would awaken to a face I barely recognized. I had the act of brazen false bravado down. My fragile ego required that I lie to myself. "Hell yes, I meant to go home with him!" instead of "Sweet Jesus, what have I done?" By God's grace and thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't have to do that anymore. Upon arrival, I learned that I was alcoholic like everyone else in the room. I was humble enough and open-minded enough to hear the message in the room that night and found my Higher Power anew.  That night, my life started over again and each subsequent meeting after that was a reinforce...

We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, in a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.   --ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS  p. 47 When I arrived at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was full of self recriminations and ripe for the picking. I was late for the meeting but somehow right on time. I heard just what I needed to hear and I was certain I found my answer. As far as I was concerned, I took the first, second, and third steps that first night. I figured out and accepted that I was alcoholic. I, immediately, became willing to believe in a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I was, indeed, on my way. I cannot stress it enough, this has served me well. Even facing a life of progressive...

While some people really Like and appreciate my blog, I learned that some members of my family are looking at as hurtful. I would like reassure my family that I love them and treasure them. I would also like them to know that my blog contains thoughts, feelings and perceptions at one point in time. This blog contains bizarre dreams brought on by stress and medication, mild though it is. I write to "exorcize my demons" so to speak.  I write to connect with fellow PALS (people with ALS), caregivers of PALS, fellow people in recovery, and the curious. Can you imagine losing the power of speech and not be able to bounce ideas off of your best girlfriend; not be able to profess your love to your lover; not be able to confess a sin with your own lips; not be able to scream out your pain; not be able to call your sponsor; not to be able to sit with you and discuss an issue rationally? My blog is a composite of who I am, who I used to be, and who I don't want to be. This blog...

Some days I can really relate to Brittany Morgan, the lady with brain cancer who chose to end her life on her terms, rather than die horribly on cancer's terms.  Death With Dignity, in my humble opinion, does not go far enough.  While I am glad everything worked out well for her (presuming she is not gone to Hell for her actions), people like me with a muscle disease cannot self-administer the prescription, Therefore Death With Dignity is not really attainable. I am forced to live this life such as it is. Although I missed my window of opportunity, I doubt I would have taken it when I was able. I still had hope. I get so very frustrated with caregivers, my condition, and myself! The nurse last night was unhelpful and patronizing. When I wanted to be turned onto my right side, he told me that he could not, although he had done just that while changing me moments before.When I tried to speak to him, he didn't even attempt to understand me. He kept saying mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm...

I am not-so-independent but wish I were more so.  Stopped driving due to the rapid onset and pervasive weakness especially in my right-dominate hand.  Sold my Harley Davidson Deluxe and Subaru Outback, shopping for an economical wheelchair van (Dodge or Chrysler?).  Legs getting weak, balance is not-so-good but I do all I can to preserve what I have: good nutrition, supplements, water aerobics, arthosage and manual ligament therapy. I'm getting limited care at the University of Washington in Seattle but get nowhere when I've mentioned voice-banking.  Hmmm.  Considering Virginia Mason as most of my PALS friends get fabulous care. We are active in our local ALS support group. I am on social security disability and Medicare (which I've paid into all of my working years) but I lost my job at the onset of my symptoms.  Was working as an accountant for a small mfg business who tried to coerce me to commit blatant fraud.  I got super-stressed as I held t...

… Out of every season of grief, or suffering, when the hand of God seemed heavy or unjust, new resources for living were learned, new resources of courage were uncovered, and that finally, inescapably, the conviction came that God does "move in mysterious ways His wonders to perform." Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 105   By now, you may be aware that I have a terminal illness.  I am not unique.  People all over this Earth are getting handed big, bad, scary diagnoses that are sure to end in death everyday.  Mine happens to be Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis , (a.k.a ALS, a.k.a. "Lou Gehrig's" disease, a.k.a. Motor Neuron Disease, a.k.a. MND).  Lots of aliases for a big, bad, scary disease that affects approximately 30,000 souls per year. This particular disease, voraciously and insidiously attacks the upper and lower motor neurons robbing voluntary muscles of their function, leaving the afflicted paralyzed and helpless.  It steals the ability to w...

Back in April 2012, I detailed a deteriorating health condition that was causing loss of strength, muscle spasms, and a whole lot of angst surrounding a decision I made to file a Labor & Industries claim.  On September 11th, while our country was re-counting our losses when those airplanes hit the twin towers, I experienced my own personal 9-Eleven.  My third EMG administered by a neurologist revealed that my supposed "nerve pinch in my neck" was much more grave than I could possibly realize...He told me that I had ALS or Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (a.k.a. Lou Gehrig's disease). If you are unaware of the details of this disease then you are not alone.  I only knew that it was a death sentence and I was emotionally "knocked off my feet".  My anguish knew no bounds as I tried to catch my breathe so I could drive myself home.  I walked into my doctor's office holding out hope that they would locate the errant nerve root and fix it even if it meant t...

About a dozen years ago, I received a box of beautifully hand-crocheted pastel granny squares partially pieced together by my husband's ex-mother-in-law's mother. This box languished in the depths of my closet until about a few months ago when I decided it was more likely to receive my attention if I brought it forth to the light of day. I looked at it each week until one day - enthusiasm struck. I was going to finish this WIP even if it did belong to someone else. Initially, I thought to give it to a young expectant couple in my husband's family but as I held this project in my hands, I imagined a different scenario. I felt that Marie would want a member of her family to receive this precious gift. I became enamored of the idea that one new unsuspecting member of Marie's family which she would never meet, could be swaddled and comforted in her creation and by extension, perhaps even in her arms. I imagined that one day perhaps someone could finish one of my WIP...

I have been paralyzed by pain over several losses; the loss of a couple of close friendships, the loss of my job, and the alienation of my extended family. This paralysis has been so for the past year and I am deeply ashamed by this pain and my position. Although I have avenues with which to deal with this kind of crippling pain (I have alternately chosen to use them then discard them). As a consequence I have stayed in the pain only experiencing momentary reprieves. This pain has left me feeling alien, "apart from", and unworthy. After prayer and a hot meditative bath (and a pile of books). It appears that I may have found my trouble....me. I am the cause of my own pain. I am harsh and critical of those who are close to me, not always in so many words but in my heart. They probably feel it. It's my Achilles' heel. Sometimes, irregardless of whether life is good or bad, I peer out at the world and find fault and blame. If only these people would listen....