My husband and I fight. We argue, fuss, scream, and yell. We struggle to be heard by one another and we are determined not be walked on. Both of us do this, not just one of us. We have sought counseling on more than one occasion with mixed results. Some days it seems that it is just not worth the struggle and on others, there is no doubt that the work we put into our relationship is worth so much more.
Saturday morning, following a fairly successful 'Date Night', I succumbed to the inner turmoil of my mind (I was PMS-ing as well) and let loose with fears and emotion that had bottled up inside. My husband went into indignant mode and stood solidly against me (or so I judged). I felt marooned and alone on my island of misery. I was hurt and knew I was overly wrought but I was powerless to stop the onslaught of my own emotions. I explained, I pleaded, and eventually became so enraged that I drop-kicked a bagful of groceries we had packed to take with us over the weekend. Man, the chips really flew as did four small cans of Fancy Feast we had packed for the cat. I am so ashamed.
My husband's answer to this was to leave. Who can blame him? I have a heightened fear of abandonment. Likely due to parental abandonment at an early age but I'm not young anymore. In the midst of a heated disagreement, I feel so unworthy, so toxic and poisonous, and then when I can't stand another thing, it happens. I get left...alone...to deal with all of those negative emotions piled up in my heart...dragging me down...crushing my spirit...threatening my very life. I may be the cause of the abandonment today (not the former parental abandonment) but I feel so powerless and ashamed for not being able to rise above the situations which cause my pain. I feel so ashamed for the pain that I inflict upon the very person that I love most.
My answer? Look for my part, readily admit my wrongs, ask for forgiveness, work towards forgiving myself, and try desperately not to repeat the mistake.
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