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Day 3 of The Onslaught

I know everyone wants to feel good about themselves and sleep the slèep of the righteous.  They want to be secure in the notion that they are good judges of character.  People generally see what they want to see.

However, too many of us know the truth of hat goes on behind closed doors.  From all public appearance my husband may look like an unselfish, long-suffering caregiver but I'm here to break my silence and tell the truth.  I am being abused.  Verbally and emotionally mostly with just a smattering of physical to keep me in line.  

He has bullied me and dumped on me for years.  He has forbade me to participate in activities which have given me joy and built my self esteem.  He has kept me isolated from those who could help.  Nowadays, it's easier for him than ever.  People applaud his loyalty that he stays with his terminally-ill wife, selflessly attending to her every need.  Seriously?!

He is angry, resentful, and cruel.  In front of others, he is loving and attentive.  Feeding me, lifting me, and braving the ladies room to toilet me.  He talks a good game at the ALS Support Group meetings and he is in the minority as the male caregiver.  He's good-looking to boot.  Who wouldn't love the quiet, unassuming, silvering construction worker?  I have loved this man for years!

In private, my requests for basic caregiving is met with barely-capped anger, exaggerated movements (enough to keep me hurting and/or off balance, and plenty of malevolent looks, accusations that I could do more.  He keeps me out of the water aerobic classes that help me so much physically, and refuses to make my AA meetings a priority that bolster my self esteem and self-worth, my iPhone and iPad (my key communication devices) are derisively referred to as toys and treated with contempt.  He began withholding sex and meaningful affection soon after diagnosis.  I have been cut adrift from any real form of physical love.  All touch that I receive is purposeful (and tinged with anger).  My massage therapy is the greatest kiñdness I receive each week.   Not sure why he continues to allow that except it is offered for free and keeps me somewhat Mobil.  He raised such a fuss each week regarding my infusions that I finally broke down emotionally and canceled all future apptmts.

I cry so many tears and get so stressed at this man's hands.  I have been suicidal 3 times as a result of his continued "care".  I can handle the terminal illness, I just cannot take the alienation of affection and the subtle and overt abuse dished out by the one who was supposed to love me in sickness and in health...until death do us part.

What can I do?


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