IntrinsicTina

The social worker here at the facility commented that my adjustment to life at Bailey Boushay seemed to go surprisingly smooth. I had to agree.Perhaps if this was the first nursing home I'd been to I wouldn't have the appreciation I have. I looked at the previous home as a prison. I think that more than ever. I did my best to be accepting of my lot in this life. When I landed at Life Care Center, I was abandoned and discarded by the very people I love and trust in this world. I had a tough "adjustment period". I don't think I ever truly felt great or safe or "at home". I kept trying to fit a square peg (me) into a round hole (LCCFW). What's more, is that when they came back into my life, they chose to discount my complaints and pleas for help. Whether it was due to their ignorance (of the peculiarities of my disease), or their own denial (lack of acceptance), it was still heart-wrenching on my end. I was virtually alone, save for my friends in re...

1 What was your most memorable vacation? Who were you with? What did you do? How did you get there? . The truth is that I've been fortunate enough to go on many vacations in my life. I've got a wanderlust a mile wide. I would rather travel than do anything else. I derive energy, enthusiasm, and inspiration from moving through space to the next destination. Observing local flora, fauna, sights, attractions, and experiences are my motivators. Roadtrips have been my mainstay and my joy but there's nothing quite like flying long distance To land in a new place without the incremental change in climate, topography, flora, or fauna. I've flown into two vacation spots, Alaska and Hawaii. Between the two, vacationing with my husband in Maui is the best. From the time we disembark the airplane, we know we are on v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n.We left snow, dark, and cold weather behind to emerge in sunshine, warmth, and humidity. .We collect our baggage, pick up our rental car, and hit ...

Grand Budapest Hotel, Selma, Interstellar, Boyhood, Whiplash, The Imitation Game, American Sniper...Have I missed any movies to see? I saw Birdman and thought I didn't like it but there were memorable parts I was glad to see. Edward Norton naked and Emma Stone channeling Lindsey Lohan. The Theory of Everything was just beautiful and I may be a bit biased since I share MND or ALS. Wow! Eddie Redmayne won the Best Actor Oscar and he dedicated it to us!! Oh, Still Alice! I must see this! Julianne Moore is awesome. Check it out, she wins Best Actress in a Leading Role! I must admit that I was pulling for Felicity Jones. Best Picture winner is Birdman. Bummer! Oh well, so much for my Oscar prediction skills. I was pulling for The Theory of Everything. Yeah, I had a theme going. Our home hosted an Oscar party with a "red carpet" and photo moments and sparkling cider in flutes. It was an opportunity to dress nice. I wore my red drape blouse and pearls. 

Finally, I made it to Recovery Group this morning! I hate to admit that I was disappointed. I wanted an AA meeting or Celebrate Recovery or the like. I thought it would be a large meeting with recovering alcoholics and addicts from all walks of life. I expected rambunctiousness, hugs, chatter, readings, flambouyant characters, a message... What is it they say about expectations? Our happiness is inversely proportionate to our expectations. If I believe our literature, I must accept that things are exactly as they should be at this point in time. That nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. I can, however, have the courage to change the things I can. I can contact my AA friends and request meetings be brought in or search out a local meeting to attend.

We are French, Pennsylvania Dutch, German, Irish, and Cherokee Indian. According to my full-blood related sister who did a little research on Ancestry.Com, our ancestors arrived on Ellis Island in the 1700's. We are related to a Daniel Danner who was a minister. At some point, he went to jail over a land dispute. No details that I can recall. And this lineage is from our paternal side. The surname, Holland figures in there somewhere or so I've heard. I know naught of my paternal grandfather and little more of my paternal grandmother. I recall that she perished in a fire, leaving behind four children; my Uncle Herman, my Uncle John, my Aunt Daisy, and my father, David Lee Danner. I grew up not knowing this part of my family due to a divorce when I was 3 or 4 years old. I met my father when I was 15 years old. I learned my father fought in the Viet Nam war aboard a patrol boat on the Mekong River. He retired out of the U.S. Navy moving to his home state. He was a deer hunte...

Resident's Council was today. My first. Not much to complain about. Just a few suggestions to the menu. Residents seem to agree that the food is fabulous! Also discussed was a memorial wall display in the second floor diningroom. This won't be a collective montage, rather it will feature up to eight recently deceased friends who were residents of Bailey Boushay House.

Why is it that my sister and I can't get along? That's a question I often ponder. The one sister that I share both my mother and father, and we cannot see eye-to-eye for long. I've considered birth order. I'm the first born and she's the second, after us came another sister followed by a long-awaited brother. I caught myself looking up 'middle child syndrome' and decided it was more appropriate to look up first born syndrome. What I found were arguments for and against birth order in the development of personality. It's suggested that the first born can feel "dethorned". Hmmmm. Do I feel dethorned? Emphatically, no. Although, it was probably true on "the way back machine", as my husband would say. Who likes their bratty little sister?  I mean when we were young and dumb and she is following you around relentlessly. .

Did some meditation this evening with the ALS support group. What a helpful activity. Three neurochemicals can be released by practising mindfulness. These neurochemicals or hormones can be more pain relieving than than narcotics. Dopamine, oxytocin, and acetylcholine instead of oxycodone. I like that idea! As a bonus to me, my husband was there and he participated. What's more, like me, he got instant results. A feeling of peacefulness. Everything is going to be okay. These feelings are priceless to people who have lost so much to ALS!

Well, there it is there! It was bound to happen, but it took not a week for this home to violate my trust, contradict themselves, and demean me. This evening, Valentine's Day, I was unable to go to the bathroom (#2) when I got frustrated. I was trying to communicate a new method, getting a new bolster at the foot of the bed to push against. I figured it would give me leverage. My husband has no tolerance for what he percieves as my impatience, emotions, (frustration, anger, sadness), or ridiculous notions. (Yeah, he left me when I needed him.) I was frustrated because : (1)  I keep having to deal with constipation, (2) my speech is failing at a rapid pace, even my husband doesn't decipher me, (3) The charge nurse, nurse, and patient care technician all decided it was a problem to turn me on my side without lowering my bed to the floor. (Yet, they've already set the precedent with me in the past two nights that it was okay to be on my side with the bed at the regular hei...

Day two at Bailey Boushay House and I am impressed! I was extremely apprehensive about coming here.I fretted, railed, and cried like a baby. I was terrified almost out of my mind. But when I arrived, they were waiting outside for me. I was suspicious. I'd toured "Bailey" last year so I was interested in seeing the reality of my room. (How bad was it gonna be?) I graciously received by the staff. The atmosphere was relaxed though there was a lot to do with me as a new admit. They were very aware that my diagnosis lends itself to fatigue and they kept asking if I needed to rest. (They were not that knowledgeable nor compassionate the duration of my stay.) BTW, I did receive compassion, friendship and love from a handful of caregivers at the previous home. My first meal was amazing! They have a real kitchen and real chefs! Salmon, polenta, pea soup multi-grain roll, asparagus, real Ocean Spray cranberry juice cocktail. That may sound blah blah blah to you but foods with ...

True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, and each A.A. Meeting is an assurance that God will restore us to sanity, if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.  -- TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 33 In my case, first came humiliation. I was in agony over concious and unconcious choices I'd been making as a result of my drinking. Regrettably, on occasion, I would awaken to a face I barely recognized. I had the act of brazen false bravado down. My fragile ego required that I lie to myself. "Hell yes, I meant to go home with him!" instead of "Sweet Jesus, what have I done?" By God's grace and thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't have to do that anymore. Upon arrival, I learned that I was alcoholic like everyone else in the room. I was humble enough and open-minded enough to hear the message in the room that night and found my Higher Power anew.  That night, my life started over again and each subsequent meeting after that was a reinforce...

Silver nitrate burns like f__k! I've had silver nitrate applied to my chest for the past few weeks. Apparently, I have granulations or as I understand it, my skin keeps trying to grow around my PEG tube and thus keeps breaking open and bleeding. .To remedy this condition, they are applying this treatment almost daily. Despite myself, I yell out as it feels as if it will eat away to my heart. Yes, I said my heart, not my stomach. My PEG tube is located extraordinarily high, right smack in the middle of my breasts.  Doctors, nurses, aides, and PALS look at it with consternation. And they all seem to agree, it's the highest PEG tube they've ever seen! Great! I'm a freak! Not only did I manage to contract a rare and deadly disease, but I sport the ugliest third boob ever! Oh well, I always yearned for a unique factor.

I sincerely believe that some people are in your life as a blessing or a lesson. Since I've been sober, I've worked hard to be true to myself, to live my life along the guidelines of my recovery program, being accountable to God, my sponsor, and my husband (in some respects). I do not believe I have to be a doormat. I do not have to be a target for unhealthy people (even if I'm related to them).

Rough couple of days, physically. I've been bound-up tight!! You probably know exactly what I mean. If you are squeamish, close this page now.  I've been telling my nurses and patient care technicians for about a week that I am constipated. Man, I've been suffering! Due to the ALS, my abdominal muscles are shot (ineffective). Peristalsis works as I feel feces travel down my large intestine to my rectum.  I get the urge to excrete and normally, I can go though impediments, such as sitting upright can block. Sometimes, excreta just travels through the point of least resistance. Unfortunately, that means forward into my vulva area. That feels absolutely disgusting. Anyway, the situation became critical when my body went haywire trying to expel "the mass". Every time my body went haywire, a horrendous spasm wracked my bowel so painfully my legs would straighten, tremor, and cramp. After three days of this intermittent agony, I finally got the right combination of ...

We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, in a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.   --ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS  p. 47 When I arrived at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was full of self recriminations and ripe for the picking. I was late for the meeting but somehow right on time. I heard just what I needed to hear and I was certain I found my answer. As far as I was concerned, I took the first, second, and third steps that first night. I figured out and accepted that I was alcoholic. I, immediately, became willing to believe in a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. And I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I was, indeed, on my way. I cannot stress it enough, this has served me well. Even facing a life of progressive...

"Only step one where we made the 100 percent admission that we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection."  TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS P. 68 I don't keep it a secret that this is not my first run at sobriety. It's important for me to be honest and real. Besides, I doubt I would have the intimate understanding I have today as a result Of "failing" the first time. My first admission of powerlessness, over 20 years ago, was the best I could offer at the time. I thought I was sincere. Years later I would realize that I held reservations with regard to my life being manageable by me. For me, that reservation worked it's way through my pysche for over the course of a year. Even though I came to believe in a Higher Power and turned my will and life over, wrote out my fourth step, shared it with my sponsor, I went up to and including making amends. But, my foundation, step one had a crack that made a hole for my disease a...

Today is the Super Bowl. My team, the Seattle Seahawks, play the New England Patriots in Arizona. Even though the game is miles away and I'm stuck in the hospital, Seahawks fever is running high. The nurses, patient care technicians, hospitality aides, and visitors are sporting their favorite player's jerseys. I plan on the same if I can get someone to put it on me. Out of my window overlooking the Montlake Cut and Lake Washington, I spied a small plane towing a blue and white "12", the flag of the fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This city's going to erupt if we win the Super Bowl for the second time! I'm waiting for my husband to arrive with the snacks. I requested Sabra hummus dip and chips. I love our football time together. I developed my affinity to football last season when I was in a nursing home. Since having ALS, I am unable to do so many activities that I gravitated to the television and hence, the sport of the season. Last year's Super Bowl wa...