IntrinsicTina

"We are going to know a new freedom..."  ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS P. 83 I used to look forward to getting off work so I could go drink. I would sit on a barstool talking to other patrons about things I used to do and things I was going to do. Funny thing though, the more I drank, the less I did. When I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking but I would never have admitted it. Recently divorced, I made a geographic from California to Washington state. The courts decided on joint custody and since I chose to leave the state, I got visitation. When my daughter visited it freaked me out. I felt like such a failure as a mother, losing a marriage and a beautiful home. Living with my parents at 30. I was such a loser! Guilt, shame, and remorse was my constant companion though I kept it cloaked with false bravado. I would plan to spend every waking moment with her but I would get a case of nerves and I'd have to go fortify my courage and ego. Invariably, I got overwhe...

"Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish,....To have a host of friends -- this is an experience you must not miss.   ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS P. 89 I'm so grateful to have read this early in my recovery. I needed reassurance that I wasn't going to miss out on life by giving up my old haunts and playmates. I wasn't focused on the "others" benefit, at the time, so much as "what was in it for me". Relinquishing, or more accurately, lessening my selfishness came later, after working the ninth step (a few times). It was and is, a pleasure to watch others "get it" and embark on their own path to recovery. When they do that, they bolster my recovery and ensure the survival of our fellowship. From my first days in the rooms, people told their stories and reached out to connect with me. There were many meetings, service positions, alano clubs, and sober activities. Lots of opport...

"Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, The dark past is the greatest possession you have--The key to life and happiness for others. "  ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS  P. 124 Love this! I have, indeed, clung to the belief (not just the thought) that my past (dark, mundane, and bright) is the greatest possession I have. I have used it to connect with people my whole life. Navy brat to Navy Brat. Alcoholic to alcoholic.  At one time, I was ashamed of my experiences. I thought I was a lowly piece of crap because I came from a broken home; was molested by a male sitter at 5 years old; grew up on welfare intermittently; became sexually active early. .I added guilt and remorse with my own failed marriage as well as the loss of having my daughter with me when I moved to another state. Heap on more when my drinking accelerated and I went from failed relationship to failed relationship. Today, I realize that all of those adverse experiences made me stronger and made me a more inte...

Do Not Resuscitate. That is a scary place to be. I have a purple wristband on for everyone to see. That requires trust which I don't really feel. I worry that DNR broadcasts that I want to die which I do not. I want every day possible as long as I am well-cared for and in an enjoyable, aesthetically appealing environment. I hold out a flicker of hope that I might get a grandchild to look at, smell, and rest upon me. Ironically, I worry that I will die from neglect rather than from natural causes and the thought angers me. In my mind, I hope there will be an inquiry but I know better. What's the difference? I mean, either way I'm dead anyway, right? Nobody cares but me. Let it go.

While some people really Like and appreciate my blog, I learned that some members of my family are looking at as hurtful. I would like reassure my family that I love them and treasure them. I would also like them to know that my blog contains thoughts, feelings and perceptions at one point in time. This blog contains bizarre dreams brought on by stress and medication, mild though it is. I write to "exorcize my demons" so to speak.  I write to connect with fellow PALS (people with ALS), caregivers of PALS, fellow people in recovery, and the curious. Can you imagine losing the power of speech and not be able to bounce ideas off of your best girlfriend; not be able to profess your love to your lover; not be able to confess a sin with your own lips; not be able to scream out your pain; not be able to call your sponsor; not to be able to sit with you and discuss an issue rationally? My blog is a composite of who I am, who I used to be, and who I don't want to be. This blog...

.Drinking a glass of water can take on new meaning when you have ALS. With me for instance, drinking a simple glass of water is risky. The muscles in my throat and mouth have atrophied enough that I risk the water pouring right down into my lungs. For the most part, I avoid it but there is one activity that I cannot seem to avoid water. Brushing my teeth. I know about thickened water but have you tried that stuff? It not only seems wrong, in my opinion, it tastes and feels wrong. How does one clear thick toothpaste by adding thick water? Not gonna happen. And when they flavor it, how do you get that "just brushed" feeling? So, once in a while, I risk it. Room temperature water, straight straw, my chin tucked,and placed over a basin. The idea is that I intake water, hold it in my mouth, swish and spit into the basin. That's how it's supposed to work. My body, muscles, get confused and my swallow mechanism kicks in and...Oh no! I start to sputter, cough, and choke. ...

As I've mentioned before, I watch a lot more television these days being confined. But my viewing choices have changed dramatically since losing my mobility and Independence. I spend hours on Discovery and I've gotten fond Alaska: The Last Frontier, Alaskan State Troopers, Gold Rush, Moonshiners, Weed Country, Dude, You're Screwed!, Dual Survival, Deadliest Catch, and the like. I also love the Weather Channel where I watch Weird Weather, Prospectors, Why Planes Crash and Highway Through Hell. Formerly, I strove to see design shows and HGTV was a personal fave where I absorbed Income Property, Property Brothers, Love It or List It, and Color Splash. Network television series' like The Good Wife, Private Practice, and Gray's Anatomy were my guilty pleasures. Of course, I had to view the various cop shows ; CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, Criminal Minds, NCIS, NCIS: L.A., Law and Order, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, Law and Order:SVU, Cold Case, Without a Trace, to...