"We are going to know a new freedom..." ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS P. 83
I used to look forward to getting off work so I could go drink. I would sit on a barstool talking to other patrons about things I used to do and things I was going to do. Funny thing though, the more I drank, the less I did. When I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking but I would never have admitted it.
Recently divorced, I made a geographic from California to Washington state. The courts decided on joint custody and since I chose to leave the state, I got visitation. When my daughter visited it freaked me out. I felt like such a failure as a mother, losing a marriage and a beautiful home. Living with my parents at 30. I was such a loser! Guilt, shame, and remorse was my constant companion though I kept it cloaked with false bravado. I would plan to spend every waking moment with her but I would get a case of nerves and I'd have to go fortify my courage and ego. Invariably, I got overwhelmed as her departure date approached and though she was still there to hug and kiss, I needed the comfort of the bottle. After she left, I had to anesthetize my fresh grief and sometimes seek other comfort. I was locked in the grip of alcoholism.
Working the steps with a sponsor showed me the path to that new freedom. I was able to dissect my life, see the errors of my thinking, and made my amends. Getting sober released me from that senseless prison. Today, I am grateful that I was able to break the bindings. I've had many satisfying years of a good marriage, replaced homes, and renewed relationships.
I used to look forward to getting off work so I could go drink. I would sit on a barstool talking to other patrons about things I used to do and things I was going to do. Funny thing though, the more I drank, the less I did. When I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking but I would never have admitted it.
Recently divorced, I made a geographic from California to Washington state. The courts decided on joint custody and since I chose to leave the state, I got visitation. When my daughter visited it freaked me out. I felt like such a failure as a mother, losing a marriage and a beautiful home. Living with my parents at 30. I was such a loser! Guilt, shame, and remorse was my constant companion though I kept it cloaked with false bravado. I would plan to spend every waking moment with her but I would get a case of nerves and I'd have to go fortify my courage and ego. Invariably, I got overwhelmed as her departure date approached and though she was still there to hug and kiss, I needed the comfort of the bottle. After she left, I had to anesthetize my fresh grief and sometimes seek other comfort. I was locked in the grip of alcoholism.
Working the steps with a sponsor showed me the path to that new freedom. I was able to dissect my life, see the errors of my thinking, and made my amends. Getting sober released me from that senseless prison. Today, I am grateful that I was able to break the bindings. I've had many satisfying years of a good marriage, replaced homes, and renewed relationships.
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