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Where was this when I needed it?

Demands made upon other people for too much at-tention, protection, and love can only invite domina-tion or revulsion. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS p. 44

I've heard people in AA say that every question they've ever had was answered between the pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That has not been the case for me. Perhaps, I did not know where to look. Perhaps, I wasn't asking the right questions?

Sometimes, I get my answers retroactively. Like now...The preceding quote, which actually came out of the 'Twelve and Twelve', as they say, Gives me some wisdom I needed last year when I clung so desperately to my husband when my disease caught up with me so quickly. (If you're reading this blog for the first time, I have A.L.S. And became paralyzed within eight short months. I was forced into a nursing home when my husband abandoned me a few months after that. I am currently 18 1/2 years sober.)

When I ended up abandoned, I could only see the result, not what led up to the result. Today, I can look back and see that I was a fairly independent woman who led our family more than I realized at the time and turned into a completely dependent invalid. As my husband pulled away from me, I clutched all the harder. If reason didn't work, I begged. When begging failed, I cried. When crying failed, I bullied and raged. (Granted, I was suffering from a byproduct of ALS, either frontotemporal disease or PseudoBulbar Affect which caused heightened emotions and impulsivity. That complicated the issue.) But the underlying thinking was all me.

Although, I would have ultimately ended up in some kind of facility, it need not have been so contentious and destructive on our relationship. Thankfully, my FTD or PBA got under control through the miracles of modern medicine and my fellows weren't scared off by an old folk's home, I got back to right thinking and right-er action. My relationship with my husband remains different (due to ALS) but it's loving again thanks to continuing to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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