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Choice

I had a dream, a very rare dream. I'm convinced this is a first for me. I've dreamt of my first husband before. And I've dreamt of my current husband before. I've had dreams that brought my first husband back to me. No big deal. The subconscious mind will do some strange things and to be expected. However, they have never gone here before. A little background...

I absolutely loved my first husband. Even though it was likely my own immaturity and insecurity and burgeoning alcoholism that caused the tipping point that ended my first marriage, I never fell out of love with him. He and my daughter were my whole world. They, especially he, was my identity, my hopes, and my dreams. It's devastating to lose all that you are, all the good that you've been, and that you'd hoped you would be, all at once. I was unprepared. I loved who he was and how he moved through life so confidently.

After I lost my marriage, I felt hopeless, unloved, and unLoveable. A series of hopeless encounters then getting sober, and I found love again. Not a searing hot, burning relationship, but one that was spicy enough to remain interesting and mild enough to Be genuine. For a long time, I compared and thought if my long, lost first love came back to me, I might be compelled to try again. But something happened along the way...

My dream had me back with my first husband and happy about it. His wife divorced him and he came back to me..We moved me back to California. Instead of the house with a pool, he moved me in to a basic condominium overlooking a freeway and a shopping mall. He grilled me about finances. I was living this alternate reality and was lonely. I looked over at my rack of clothing and realized three pairs of jeans did not belong to me. Those slouchy, dirty, wore-out jeans belonged to the husband I longed to be with.

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