Skip to main content

Miss Being Able

1It's difficult to relinquish control. Control over my environment. Control over my socialization. Control over my food. Control over body and it's functions.

I miss being able. Able to pluck a dead blossom. Able to pick up a dvd and pop it into the player. Able to crack open a brand new hardback Bestseller. Able to sort, fold, and stack my own clothing. Able to water my container garden. Able to wipe the dust, grit, and crud off my wheelchair. Able to make my bed like I like it. Able to treat stains when I dribble my lunch. Able to select a chocolate and lift it my mouth.

I miss being able to mingle among my peers. Able to select classes and go to college. Able to hold a baby and watch children. Able to go to Starbucks and choose between chai tea latte or carmel machiatto. Able to go to the park, lake, ocean, mountains, library, Trader Joes, Safeway, EMP, museums, mall, hospital, etc whenever I want. ...

I miss being able to prepare healthy and delicious meals. Able to buy Dave's Killer bread, Famous Daves pickles, Best Foods mayonnaise, avocados, chocolate croissants, Magnum ice cream bars, sorbet, Laughing Cow cheese, Tillamook Extra Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, Pom, Thomas Kemper's root beer, green olives, Lucky Charms, pistachios, Frosted Mini Wheats, Sugar Corn Pops, (Yeah, I developed a habit, as of late.)

I miss being able to go to the bathroom. Able to scratch my head or nose when they itch. Able to blow my nose or wipe my eyes. Able to lift my hands back up on the pillow after a yawn. Able to sit up under my own power. Able to walk, run, dance, or exercise. Able to talk or sing. Able to purse my lips for a kiss. Able to hug and hold loved ones. Able to pet a dog or cat. Able to brush my hair or apply my own make-up.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Gratitude For Reading

People are reading my blog! I cannot express my gratitude enough. My heart is soaring! Before I got ALS, it was a minor interest amongst many varied interests. Today, I am unable to physically participate in many of my prior interests, like motorcycling, photography, knitting and other handicrafts, hiking, traveling, painting, drawing, going to the gym, working in the garden, doing housework, canning, and cooking gourmet or ethnic foods. Therefore, I am more focused on the ones that are most accessible to me, such as reading via audiobook or e-book, television, movies, meditation, music appreciation, and writing. Like the blind man who's sense of hearing and smell is heightened, I'd like to think my crippled body has made me more attuned to things more on the spiritual and sensual level. Initially, when some members of my family read my blog, they chose to focus on what they viewed as negative. The feedback I got was harsh and personally critical. .I was told that I was ...

Prayer

Occasionally, we are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen we must not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us. -- TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, page 105  Gee, I could have saved myself years of self-reproach by taking it easy on myself. "Try" as I might, I never could make prayer, in the traditional sense, a daily occurrence for stretches longer than a month. I had good intentions but inevitably, I'd be running late and forget. Or worse, I'd get a big, fat bout of attitude about not getting my wishes (the permanent position at the Gates Foundation, being fired from my last job when my health deteriorated, the cancellation of my Panama Canal cruise, and the various abandonments I experienced following my ALS diagnosis) and off I'd go, cursing my Higher Power, turning my back, isolating, and wishing I were dead (actually, I wa...

Creep

  Have you ever used the internet to look up an old flame? How about an old arch-enemy? Did you have the intention to reconnect? Me neither.